Last year at this time - my brain brain was not even 30 days away from "official fracture". PTSD-Complex compromised my marriage, left my kids in a state of fear nearly constantly and even managed to cause me to have to walk away from my last friend I had left.
Trauma is so real, but everyone has a different "trauma response". Last year at this time - I couldn't even remember numbers - and I can tall you every single person's birthday if they've meant anything to me - (yes even my exes) - and I can remember the phone number I had in 2nd grade. Numbers are FUN for me - and last year at this time? My brain was so foggy and locked off I couldn't even process them.
Despite all I've ever been through, having never reached a level where I actively felt like I wanted to die, leading to me becoming a danger to myself on more than one occasion, no matter how crazy my life has gotten.
For the first time in 4 years my family and our new favorite +1 sat at the table while my Autistic son, who was never supposed to talk, used his moment of giving thanks to be thankful I got better.
We are now at 40 days - without trauma response or the symptoms of PTSD, unfortunately, regaining my mental health and clarity also resulted in me realizing I had to walk away from yet another long time friendship.
I don't get people.... I mean this last year felt like LITERALLY the hardest thing I've ever lived through - but I never - NEVER quit TRYING ... I guess I don't even know why? But if I learned ANYTHING this last 2 years? It's A) Unhealthy people don't react well to healthy behaviors and B) TOO MANY PEOPLE GIVE UP ON THEMSELVES.
And so, yet another friend - falls victim - and you know what it made me realize? I just navigate towards 'my people', the ones with "issues".
I always tell my kids that EVERYONE has issues- but smart people know what theirs are. After this year? I'm making an amendment -EVERYONE Has Issues, Smart people know what theirs are - and only LAZY people CHOOSE not to do whatever is in their power to improve life.
Yeah - I said it - ... .I know - believe me - I know - Mom died 2 weeks before my 13th birthday - my Dad was abusive - been on my own since 15 - had a baby before turning 21 (thank GOD because HE SAVED MY LIFE this year)- I've been homeless - and usually? I NEVER shy away from work - while stuck in the village the first thing I did was get a job- but with my full on PTSD-Complex? I couldn't function on anything more than just functioning.
I trusted people AGAIN in my life - that I should have been so much more careful with .... See I don't like asking for help- and overall? Haven't needed a whole lot of it in my life? But there was NO MISTAKING I was going to have to change things if I was going to get better.
So desperate - for just someone to be able to be 'comfortable' around - someone who could take my mind off things - and for a while? I did have that ... I will definitely say I should have focused more on actual THERAPY - but I saw my psychiatrist very regularly - especially after landing in the psych ward.
The irony? PTSD-Complex? Is focused around relationships - people who have had childhood trauma are far more susceptible as it's all about trust - and relationships ... .and it took the last person I TRULY - TRULY trusted - shattering that - for me to finally snap out of it. Lucky .... really.... statistically speaking - that's not how that should work .... it could have killed me - (no worries to them however) - but thankfully it did - and seeing the level of unhealthiness that people I care about are willing to put themselves in? Because of FEAR? Makes my stomach turn.
I get it - change is scary - but not any more frightening than misery - which is how people would rather choose to live than truly seek out the tools and professionals available - who can lead us to experience HAPPY.
No excuse. TRY HARDER. Not to 'fix' ANYONE more than yourself. NEVER Accept behaviors that ... give you that feeling - or practically smack you right in the face trying to tell you, "Stay away" - Actions should ALWAYS speak louder than words - and holy shit - my best advice? Don't ignore that shit .... NO ONE - Is worth it.
I wanted to give up sooo much this year, I was so tired of having limited functionality - and to finally come out with a clear - and concise brain? Finding the main source of what was causing my trauma? It was CRAZY - like *SNAP* - and I have functioned for 40 days without a single symptom I thought I'd have to live with for the rest of my life.
Then coming out of it - and realizing - HOLY SHIT - the relationships I had surrounded myself in the last year? It's AMAZING that I got better at all. Lies, lack of action, sadness, anger, oh yeah sure - a few good times - but - birds of a feather ..... I guess - and it was likely holding me back and throwing me off track SO MUCH this year - but still.... the prognosis was NOT GOOD - they really believed it would take MANY YEARS of therapy - to hope I'd find a way to heal - because the truth is? When you have this shit? NO ONE can HELP you - all they can do - is educate themselves (PLEASE - If you love someone who deals with trauma - READ - because otherwise - they will just diminish your quality of life NO MATTER how much they love you).
I am better right now today because my 21 year old son always learns with me - as I do with him - so as I was getting certified in trauma informed care and standard PTSD? He was learning right there with me - and we did it just so we could be better for his Aunt- better support - better understanding. Looking back? I actually told her she was a horseshit friend at one point after her trauma was activated ..... such a shithead - but I get it now .... but I also took the time to learn because she meant THAT much to me.
I've come to the conclusion I'll probably NEVER mean that much to anyone - this last year? Ohhh - My trust in people has taken such a hit, and the thing is? It's not like I was being STUPID about making friends - I always kept my circle small - and trusted VERY few people and LITERALLY ALL of those who I have felt that way for - to the tune of 20 years if not more - not only let me down? Some took advantage of me - some were stuck in their own trauma and it was just like reactive combustion, one if not TWO would rather stick their head in the sand than truly either own their shit - or do what they ACTUALLY NEED TO DO - to be the best - happiest -version of themselves - but the ones who fall the furthest? I promise you?
ITS ALWAYS THE SAME REASON:
FEAR.
FEAR - is the #1 Thing that will keep us from being our best selves and ALSO the #1 thing that will lead to dissemination of even the most valued relationships we maintain...
#FuckFear
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