This year has by far been one for the books- a character story arc of epic proportions which rippled throughout my family, affected my friends, and nearly killed me... Yet? It seems I'm still here.

HOW?

By the Grace of God coupled with my children's incredible patience, love, understanding, and probably more than one miracle if I'm being honest? I managed to claw my way out of the darkness and confusion.

For nearly 90 days now I have been FREE of trauma responses and PTSD-Complex symptomatic behaviors.

FINALLY I am able to function. 

FINALLY I am able to regulate my emotions. 

FINALLY I am capable of exercising all the things I spent over 14 years learning in regards to mental health, productive communication, and emotional expression. 

Yet not even a year ago this was my life 2-5 nights a week......

Every time I set out to try to express a current thought or emotion in my blogs- I end up writing 10 pages of what I have experienced and run the topic sooo off course it's unreal - so I'm going to try to stay on point and if things don't make sense - or if they sound CRAZY (cause they should) - you'll just have to read the series as it's released.

"The Deepest Wounds Are Often

Hidden By A Smile."

Having survived all I have in my life  - I was pompous and slightly egotistical thinking that I couldn't be broken because I was a warrior who had survived so much already.

Before all of it went down, I had felt so incredibly accomplished as a wife, mother and general human. I faced my fears and owned my flaws, and got the necessary help to achieve this goal I had. The year or two before tradgedy struck, I would find myself just sitting quietly appreciating the incredible genuine - happiness - BETTER than happiness more like euphoric bliss- even in some of the most stressful moments life would hurl at us.

I felt like I was in a fairy tale marriage, proud of my absolutely amazing family and working to do good things for the people I loved and cared for any way I could. In all honesty? I felt like I achieved so many goals I had once upon a time doubted - and have never been so incredibly content, happy and thankful in my life.

Lied to - Stolen From - Coherced and questioned - one by one the, those who I not only believed I could trust, but also believed were worthy my time and investment, began to show their true colors, each falling by the wayside while I was under the endurance test of my life. 

Left with not even a handful of possible support and PTSD fueling me to question myself profusely, I didn't trust myself to trust others and eventually I would begin to read into things and situations driving myself crazy with wonder and before long my emotionally unbalanced behavior would essentially cause internal paranoia, kicking off my extreme fear and causing me to become so defensive that by the time I got through it I had actively created a new situation that need not exist. I was absolutely desperate to not lose anymore relationships I believed were meaningful. What was I afraid of losing? Ultimately? Well, Everything.-

I worked my ass off to get well, and despite my knowledge that even basic trauma can take time but the goal ALWAYS is 3 steps forward, and no more than 2 steps back always staying one step ahead.

That alone was incredibly defeating -but on bad days so much damage was done because of my actions and behaviors; my lack of emotional regulation, complete confusion at times and don't even get me started on the CONSTANT FEAR. Here we are now - almost a year later - we are literally left with next to nothing ..... Well nothing besides the family we built, and you know what? I think it's all we absolutely need.

Ironically, in the end? Nearly everything I was afraid of this year ACTUALLY DID HAPPEN but I can't help think I 'feared it into being' . Thankfully, we're finding our way - each of us. Even if it may not look as how we envisioned it - or may not ever be the same as it was before- and it may end up we won't get all the outcomes we had hoped for, but in the end, we've all learned things, grown immensely as people and still managed to find a way to be the family we are - AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

We haven't quit or given up, we faced our own struggles and issues while also trying to support one another as each of us processed the trauma, grief, saddnesss, and anger resulting from our experience.

Watching our family work to recover has been a beautiful thing I wish my brain could have fully appreciated in this last year because as our whole family worked towards recovery?..... NO one has TRIED to hurt one another - or judged one another- or most importantly attacked one another. Instead- I watched my kids as they showed compassion and concern not just for me, but for one another despite each of us facing our own struggles - each of us fighting to be what we need to be for ourself, and who we desire to be on any given day.

As of today? I am approaching 90 days since my head got straight and the trauma source was identified and I had the answers on how to 'fix' myself? It became so ever apparent that - they were all right- it's not just my brain people couldn't keep up with? It was my heart - and all the love and concern expressed by those who didn't even have a clue what my diagnosis meant- or how their behavior may have affected me - or those who just didn't care as long as they got what they wanted/needed from me ..... Well that lead to 18 months of CONSTANT LOSS with a recovery prognosis of 7-15 years.

18 months was hell enough - and I honestly don't think I would have survived much longer as my state of my was just CONTINUALLY tormenting me.

Sadly, being the family manager - of literally EVERYTHING besides making income? Having a non-functional brain for 18 months after suffering a catastrophic emotional and financial loss, I was also seemingly incapable of having enough emotional control to support my husband the way he needed me to, and the way I spent 7 years learning HOW to do.

My inability to perform my responsibilities as I have over the last nearly 25 years, and him not even knowing where to begin as he had never had to assist me in this area was a recipe for disaster. Also, he was reeling- carrying guilt because he felt responsible for letting his 'old family' hurt the only family he has ever truly cared about and the only people who truly mattered to him. He too was struggling with trauma response - not to mention an extreme hatred towards his father which was accompanied by a level of anger and rage I haven't seen from my husband since high school. The entire situation and how each of us were affected by trauma on some level- the dysfunction ALL of us displayed - ultimately kept us from having an ability to simply 'bounce back'.

The Result?

I am sitting here - spending my first Christmas EVER away from my kids, who are in a hotel because our lease was up and we could barely afford the rent. Constantly playing catch up with expenses- our savings having been already depleted thanks to my father in-law's false compassion, his bogus promises and his outright LIES (his classic signature move). Forced to borrow from our 401k, and then borrow more - leaving us in debt - which overall we've never really been in because we don't borrow. Subsequently this also meant our credit wasn't to the standard to even qualify to rent an apartment. To top it off we were returning to our life with an extra dependant- as my Autistic nephew didn't want to have to stay with my father in-law and after what we experienced? No amount of money (or lack there of for that matter) nor added responsibility would have kept me from saying yes. Now, nearly once a month, even though I've been so BROKEN, my nephew thanks me for "Saving" him (his words, not mine) LOL

Yet, as the kids sit miles away from me, dining on Peanut Butter & Jelly with a side of Ramen for a  Christmas dinner while watching The Santa Clause 2 (a family tradition)- crammed into a hotel room with not a single sign of 'good tidings' or 'cheer', I will tell you this: 

So now we need to refocus - and readjust and I haven't even been well for 90 days yet - but those 90 days? IS ALL MY FAMILY NEEDED AND WANTED for Christmas - and for all of us? It feels miraculous. 

Letting go of those who let us down or straight up screwed us over - or didn't keep promises they claimed they would - and my thinking I could trust them - and LOSING - AGAIN - is now all in the past.

Life is by no means PERFECT - but our FAMILY remains UNBROKEN - and no matter where we go from here? How we each decide to go on and live our lives? I will forever be proud of how we have survived this ordeal and I hope we are able to never forget it, never take our happiness for granted as we grow and learn how to be better people both as individuals and as a family.

I struggle sometimes - at the end of it all - I have my brain back - but lost nearly everything else but my family... My marriage may be a casualty - but the friendship my husband and I built over all these years? I had complete faith at least THAT would find it's way. We've always made a great team- and we actually still do.

Who knows what the next year may bring - life changes swiftly and suddenly - and no one is indestructible - it only takes a second to change life - loved ones die, there are accidents, illnesses and life experiences that may morph and change us so much - you could literally wake up a different person tomorrow - or worse - not wake up at all. 

So I encourage ALL of you - to give the best gift you can to those you love and care for this Christmas - and tell them what they mean to you - rather than fake niceties with people you are tolerating - be authentic and tell those you love and those who truly matter to you how they enrich your life - it will be the greatest gift you can give them (and yourself). 

See the positive - and when defeated and in doubt- do everything you can as a human - and then PRAY. 

Have you done everything as a human to fix the things that make you less than happy in life? Are you willing to waste more time? What do you need to do to live your dreams - CAN'T - is just an excuse - not a reason - when there is a will there is a way - assuming it's something that can be in a human's control. 

Love the people who enrich your life. 

Love yourself 10 times more. 

And if you aren't happy - make a list - what will make you happy - what can YOU do to reach those goals - what is in your control? Not other people, Not tragic happenings, Not the circle of life -these things - you can not do anything about - nature can be cruel - but you're here - reading this - what if tomorrow is too late? What can you change today? 

Set your goals - be realistic - and when it feels too hard - consider looking for a new and different way - but FIGHT for that happiness - FIGHT for the ability to BELIEVE in yourself - and KNOW you deserve whatever you want in life - just don't rely on anyone else to ever do it for you (or even help you reach your goals for that matter) .... 

Just a little bit of Andromeda101 advice in hopes that maybe - someone will be inspired to say "FUCK FEAR" of the unknown - and embrace some discomfort to find whatever path in life will allow them to live as their best self....

"What if" never truly matters - only "What IS".